


Changes

by TennantsLittleKitten



Series: The "Changes" Verse [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Don't judge a book by its cover, Eventual Fluff, F/M, I promise it will hopefully have some good payoff in the end, I'm Bad At Tagging, Nearly canon Sonny, Set somewhere between season 16 and 17, Slow Burn, Starts as a mutual loathing, did I mention slow burn?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2020-01-22
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:55:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21682582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TennantsLittleKitten/pseuds/TennantsLittleKitten
Summary: You’ve been hired by SVU for the summer to manage their backlog of paperwork...but this Carisi guy never ceases to make your eyes roll or your blood boil. Will things change as the summer goes by?
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Original Female Character(s), Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Reader, Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./You
Series: The "Changes" Verse [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1657336
Comments: 40
Kudos: 99





	1. Summer Hire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I’m not fully caught up on SVU. I watched it when I was a kid, then only again more recently with some sporadic episodes pre- and during-Sonny. I ended up falling in love with him and have gone back to watch S16, 17 and part of 18 so far.
> 
> They always say to “write about what you know”, so naturally I know nothing about New York City, American judicial systems, American education systems or Italians.  
> My experience does however include: accidentally seeing the Empire State building from a distance, being a Canadian biology graduate student dabbling in education AND being single all my life. (Those are decent credentials, right?)  
> I've tried my best to describe emotions that I’ve personally felt, especially in times of heartbreak and self-doubt.

This is the point in your life where you’d probably hear a record scratch and a voice-over version of yourself would say: “I bet you’re wondering how I ended up here?”

Well, you suppose it’s not the worst thing in the world but it’s not the exact vision you had had for yourself when you moved to New York.

You’re a university graduate. You did a Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees in biology upstate and, after finding your calling as a teacher, you completed a Master's in education to top it all off. The affiliations and contacts you made there led you to NYC when a part-time lecturer position opened up in Manhattan. It is in your discipline and you only have to teach one course per semester. It’s your foot in the door, doing something you truly love. But, the part-time position also comes with some drawbacks. The classes you teach aren’t offered in the summer, and with a wage that pays you by the lecture, summer break essentially means your income comes to a halt. New York isn’t exactly a city to offer affordable living either. This means money is tight, leaving you with no other choice but to seek out some temp work.

And low and behold, a position at the NYPD’s special victim’s unit became your new meal ticket. Being a teacher already means that you have the necessary police background checks completed and you have previously dealt with an issue on campus that vouches for your credibility when it comes to confidentiality. You are hired no problem, but the downside is that the job is for a bookkeeper. And bookkeeping is the fancy term the NYPD used for “clean up the paperwork messes we’ve let accumulate”. But a job’s a job and it will cover your summer bills.

So here you are: It’s your first day as SVU’s “bookkeeper” and you were told to find Sgt. Olivia Benson when you arrive. You walk into the squad room and your ears are immediately overwhelmed by ringing phones and the sounds of chatter. There are detectives whizzing by, going about whatever it is they do. You hug your notebook to your chest as you try to seek out the sergeant among the chaos. You see a brunette head into an office and figure that she’s your best bet.

“Hello,” you speak meekly, as you stand at the door.

The woman spins around and greets you with a quizzical smile.

“I’m here for the summer bookkeeper position,” you continue.

“Oh, yes! Welcome to SVU. Let me introduce you to the squad.” Sgt. Benson leads you to the center of the squad room and hollers to get everyone’s attention. “Listen up, everyone! This is our newest member of the team. She’s here to take care of all the filing messes you’ve left around here.”

You hear a chorus of lighthearted groans and chuckles from the rest of the team as Benson gives you a pat on the back.

Just then a tall, lanky man comes lumbering in towards the two of you. “Really, Sarge? A temp?” he scoffs.

“Carisi,” starts Benson, sounding very much like a mom scolding her son, “you know just as much as everyone else here that we have a backlog of case reports that need serious filing”.

He shrugs his shoulders, raising his hands as if to say _whatever, you’re in charge!_ before walking away and plunking himself down at a desk.

Benson shows you to your new work station and the mounds of filing that are in disarray. “Don’t worry,” she reassures you with a warm smile, “it just takes these folks time to warm up to new faces.” 

But _it’s_ _too late_ you think as she walks past that Carisi guy. His arrogance has immediately put you off. Him and his smug attitude. You get the same kind of defiance from your teenage students, for crying out loud!

The days go by, albeit slowly, as you trudge through paperwork. You’ve familiarized yourself with their previous filing system and are trying to sort and stack to match it. It’s tedious work but overall, not the worst possible job. The one thing that does annoy you though is Carisi. You watch him around the office from time to time. He’s got a loud, boisterous voice that always lets everyone know when he’s around. He’s got that brow of his which always seems to be knitted in disgust. Even the way he saunters around like he’s some tough guy makes you feel sick. And he always stands there with his hand on his hip like he’s someone important. Not to mention how brash he is with everyone he talks to and how he’s always trying to show off his legal knowledge to anyone who’ll listen…and even to those who won’t.

On top of his general demeanor, he has not exactly been friendly with you either. He clearly hasn’t given you the benefit of the doubt and he definitely doesn’t consider you a squad member. In all fairness, you’re not _really_ a part of their detective team, but you still see these people everyday. _Most_ of them make an effort to be nice to you. You can even sometimes overhear him let out these little quips about the paperwork or he’ll refer to you like you’re not even there. Carisi never ceases to make your eyes roll or your blood boil.

About a month into the job, you decide you need to work late. There’s at least a year’s worth of backlog and you really want to get the ball rolling with the organization. On top of that though, during the day you came across a really big mess. Folders that have cases mixed up and they desperately need proper sorting. So, overtime it is!

Everyone had already left and it’s just you in your messy bun, shuffling through countless papers and files. Well, you _thought_ you were the only one left…

But of course, in comes Carisi with that stomach-churning saunter and that grumpy face of his. You let out an annoyed sigh. _How was he going to try to insult you this time?_

“You’re still here, newbie?” he chirps when he sees you.

“Backlog of paperwork, _remember_?” you quip back with just the perfect amount of sass.

“Ah, yes, how could I forget? Very important job and all…” His words absolutely drip with sarcasm but you are adamant that you won’t let him get to you. So, you just roll your eyes and turn back to your work.

When he notices your lack of rebuttal, he adds, “Clockin’ some oh-tee, myself. Mighta missed a lead in somma these files from our latest case.” He rolls up his sleeves as he speaks, exposing his forearms.

You, too, notice how warm the squad room is. _Damn summer heat._

“That’s nice.” You fake a smile, watching him from the corner of your eye.

He plops down at his station a row across from your work-space, stretching himself out as his long, lanky legs crowd out his desk space. Carisi glances down as if he’s about to delve into his work, but then looks back up and over to you. You feel his blue eyes boring into you from a distance. “Why the hell you take this stupid job anyway? I assume the pay is total crap.”

Your head snaps up to glare at him. What a _bold_ statement. He knows nothing about you yet he has the audacity to assume that this job is worthless? He probably thinks you’re just some desperate girl who needs to take whatever job she can get. Nothing to her name; nothing of worth.

“For your _information,_ ” you punctuate the words, “the college courses I teach aren’t offered in the summer.” You wanted your words to be a knife and to twist them so as to wipe the smug look off his face.

“Yourra teacher?” he says, taken aback.

You’ve got him! Not so smug now! “Yes, biological sciences at one of the colleges here in Manhattan.”

Carisi looks genuinely shocked. His eyebrows are raised and he’s just staring at you. You’ve finally rendered the mouthy detective speechless. You would do a victory dance, but you wouldn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing you enjoyed it that much.

“Wow,” he states with a small smile, “that’s really awesome.”

A compliment. _Wow_ indeed. But then you notice something. His normally knitted, grumpy eyebrows that you detest so much are actually softened and expressive. In fact, his whole demeanor has suddenly changed. He looks… _kind_.

“What?” You finally break the silence, still trying to put up the hardened front.

“Nothin’. Just neva knew that ‘bout you. Why haven’t you said anything?” he questions.

“You never asked,” you reply simply. And, before you can stop yourself, you add: “Besides, I’m just a _temp_.” You immediately regret saying it. It was a dirty dig, especially when Carisi was actually trying to be nice.

“Yeah,” he says, scratching the back of his neck, “Sorry ‘bout that...”

His apology hangs heavily in the air for a few long moments before you decide to quietly utter: “It’s alright.”

You both silently return to your work for another few hours. Eventually, however, you can’t see straight. Your eyes hurt and your headache is growing worse. Your glasses had slipped so far down your nose that someone may mistake you for a little old granny. Your hair is sticking out in all directions, seemingly trying to escape its bun-prison. It’s most definitely time for you to head home.

You look up to see Carisi totally overcome with fatigue as well. He has bags under his eyes from a hard day. You know his job isn’t easy and you can admit that he actually _does_ take it very seriously.

You stand up and close the open file in front of you. Your movements release Carisi from his work-induced trance. “Headin’ out?” he asks.

“Yeah,” you reply. “Can’t take anymore of this tonight.”

“I should call it a night too,” he says, standing up and straightening his tie. “Uh, lemme walk you home. It’s real late and there’s creeps hangin’ ‘round at this hour.”

You catch his eye. He looks genuinely apologetic. 'You' from a couple of weeks ago would have said _no way in hell._ Heck, 'You' from a couple of _hours_ ago would have shut him down instantly. But something makes you say _yes_. For some reason your gut is telling you to give him a chance – that maybe you had judged him a little too quickly as well. “Sure,” you nod. “Thanks, detective.”

He flashes you a half smile. “Please, call me Sonny.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately, society does a lot of labeling and judging based on very little information. Doesn't matter what job you have or what you look like. If you take the chance to get to know someone, you may be pleasantly surprised :)
> 
> I love Carisi so much and Peter does such a fantastic job portraying him (and he's absolutely gorgeous to boot). It's hard to see Sonny as anything but a total sweetheart...But I wanted to try something a bit different. What if he and a love interest got off on the wrong foot and she was really annoyed by everything he did? How does that dynamic change when they finally start getting to know each other?  
> Hope you enjoy! It was a quick idea that popped into my head that's now a 9 chapter fic :o


	2. Tomorrow's A New Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carisi walks you home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a sentimental idiot...here's what happens when I let it get the best of me:

A wall of humid heat hits you as you step outside the main entrance of the NYPD. The night is pitch-black, save for the yellow glow of streetlamps illuminating patches along the sidewalks. You can still hear cars honking despite the late hour and sirens blaring somewhere off in the distance.

You tell Carisi where you live and the two of you set off in that general direction. Not long later, you pass by a dark alleyway from which a scraggly looking man wonders out into the middle of the sidewalk. He’s talking to no one in particular and he’s gesturing around wildly.

Immediately, Carisi guides you around the confused man by placing his hand gently on the small of your back. Through the thin fabric of your blouse, you can feel the warmth from his fingertips. It sends a shiver up your spine in spite of the stifling summer heat. Though startling at first, his touch doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable or like he’s overstepping boundaries. Instead, it feels instinctual; protective, almost.

You return to reality as he falls back in step beside you. He looks over his shoulder at the man a final time before sending a glance your way. You realize he’s checking to see if you’re alright. You gaze up at him, offering a smile of thanks. _Has be always been this tall?_ you wonder before shaking the thought away.

You walk a little ways further before Sonny breaks the silence. “Been in New York long, then?”

“Um, not really. It'll be a year at the end of the summer. Moved for the college job at the start of the fall semester. Manhattan is a whole lot different than upstate,” you answer, as your eyes trace the skyscrapers upwards until their tops blur into the night. “You?” you question turning back to Sonny.

“All my life,” he grins. “Staten Island born and raised! But I suppose the accent woulda been a dead giveaway.”

You chuckle in agreement. “How’d you decide to be a detective at SVU?” From what you’ve seen in your short time there, it’s an emotionally demanding job that you can only assume isn’t for the faint of heart. Some of the case files you’ve sorted through make you well aware of that.

“Well, I bounced around a lot from department to department around the city. I like the detective work; taking the bad guys off the street, and I like being able to bring some closure to the vics that come through here. But most of my bosses wouldn’t give me a chance. Sergeant Benson was different though. She’s really allowed me to spread my wings,” explains Carisi. You suppose that a lot of people in Carisi’s past had taken him for face value…just as you had.

“Sergeant Benson is one of the most amazing women I’ve ever met. She seems really considerate. I’m glad she gave you a chance.”

“Yeah, me too,” agrees Carisi. “She’s even cool with me taking night classes, which is a _total_ God-send.”

“Night classes?” you question, surprised. That’s not something you expected at all. _Is that why he's always acting like a legal dictionary?_ If so, you can't really blame him. _After all, real-world exemplification only acts to enhance cognition._

“Fordham law, baby!” he confirms your suspicions. “I’ve always wanted to be a lawyer, so now I’m working real hard on it.” There’s audible excitement in his voice and a certain spring in his step.

“That’s really impressive!” you reply, smiling. Because it is. You were fortunate enough to never have to work fulltime during your degrees and can’t imagine how exhausting and stressful it would be to work as a full-time detective _and_ take law classes simultaneously. Carisi is incredibly driven and you wholeheartedly respect him for that.

“Thanks,” he responds to your compliment, going a bit shy. “You’re pretty impressive yourself, though. What, with degrees in all the hard stuff.” He looks over to you to watch the grin spread across your face.

“Bio isn’t all that bad if you find a topic you like,” you say. “I’m into anatomy and phys. You get to do the fun stuff, like dissections, _and_ if you teach it, you get to watch your students have just as much fun as you did when you learnt it.” It’s now your turn for the excitement to shine through.

“We had to dissect an eyeball once in high school,” he makes a grossed-out face at the recollection. “Nearly half the class almost barfed. I’m sure that’s secretly amusing for the teachers though, no?”

“Only if you don’t have to clean anything up because of it,” you wink.

“Fair enough,” he laughs. For the first time you see dimples form on his cheeks and the corners of his eyes crinkle as he smiles. It’s a good look on him.

“Y’know,” he begins, “teachers are so underappreciated. Without ‘em, students don’t learn.”

You cock your head quizzically at his redundant statement.

“You know what I mean,” he sighs, emphasizing with a wave of his hands. “I have a prof right now who _makes_ us learn. He’s really smart but he’s not one of them phonies who just wants you to memorize stuff. He gets us all involved and we act out legal situations. It’s great!”

You smile proudly. Those are the types of teachers you like to hear about. “That’s great!” you exclaim. “I know exactly what you mean and I’m happy to hear stories like that.”

“It must be a lot more work for the prof though? You teach like that?”

“I try to. Structuring a course that way can take more effort and thought, but if your heart’s in it and you truly care about your students, then it’s well worth it.”

Carisi’s face lights up as if he was hoping you’d answer that way. “Well, teachers like you and my law prof truly make a world of difference.”

You feel your face get warm as a rush of heat washes up from your stomach. You immediately look down at the ground hoping he doesn’t notice. It feels great to be respected for something you value so much.

But before you know it, you’re standing in front of your building entrance. How did the walk feel so short this time?

“Well, this is me. Thanks for walking me home,” you say, shoving your hands in your pockets and rocking on your heels. Maybe Sonny wasn’t such bad company after all.

“Anytime,” he replies.

As he stands there in front of you, you silently wish that you lived further away. Somehow, talking with Sonny had come natural tonight and you feel the urge to keep chatting. But, you’re overtired and it’s probably making you sentimental. Still, that first step towards your door is a reluctant one.

“Hey, wait,” he calls. “Sorry for being such a jerk around the office for the past month.” He glances down at his shoes, blue eyes then turning back up to meet yours apologetically.

“I’m sorry too. I haven’t exactly been friendly towards you either,” you offer.

“You think we can have a fresh start? Whaddya say, tomorrow’s a new day?”

“Yeah, I’d like that,” you agree with a nod of your head.

He flashes you a warm smile; those creases at the corners of his eyes returning as he does.

“’Night, Sonny,” you say before retreating into your apartment. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, any feedback is welcomed! I've got a few more scenarios/chapters planned and a general direction of where I want this to go, but I'll take suggestions too! Hope you're enjoying what my brain farts out at 1am :)


	3. Good Work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cannolis and a dedicated detective.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter, but I promise there's more to come.  
> Merry Christmas :)

“Gooood mornin'!” A loud booming voice fills the squad room. It can only belong to one person.

“Carisi!” whines Rollins as she covers her ears.

It's still pretty early and an air of tiredness hangs over the entire SVU. It was the morning after you and Sonny had worked late, how could he possibly be so energetic?!

“Well, Rollins,” counters Sonny with a cheeky grin as he strides in, “look what I brought.” He centers himself in the room and reveals a white box of pastries, opening it for all to get a view and a whiff of fresh baking.

“Cannolis!” someone exclaims and immediately chairs are pushed back and Carisi is surrounded by his fellow squad members. “Hey, easy now!” he mediates. “I made sure that I brought enough for _everyone_.” And then you realise that he's looking straight at you with gentle eyes as he emphasizes that last word. You're still seated at your station, observing from a distance, but he motions with a slight nod of his head for you to join in.

Any hard feelings you previously had towards being excluded by him are long gone. He is putting forth an honest effort to make you feel like part of this little SVU family and the thought of it all fills you with warmth. You head over and snatch a cannoli from the box, passing along a look of genuine thanks towards Sonny. He smiles knowingly back at you.

Today really was a new day, just as you both had promised.

And so, you would continue your fresh start with Sonny over the next several days. You don't talk all that much more than exchanging “hellos" or other pleasantries at first. Conversations are kept to casual talk, like the weather or recent news, but there's no tension. Sometimes you feel like you're harbouring a great secret because of that pleasant walk back to your apartment. It’s as if you're the only one who has gotten to see the genuinely sweet and happy-go-lucky side of the Italian detective. You watch him a little more attentively around the office. He's actually good-natured towards his coworkers, but he can also be quite spunky. And you realise that fiery side may have muddied your first impressions of him. He _is_ still the newest detective, so you can only imagine the pressure he feels to prove his worth. After all, he did confide that Sgt. Benson had given him a chance when no one else had.

Also, the little things you found so _irritating_ before, really aren't all _that_ terrible. His confident stride and the hand on his hip are just part of who he is. They’re not a manifestation of egotism, but rather how expressive and enthusiastic he is. In fact, though you try not to focus on it all that much, the way he stands with his sleeves rolled up as he consults with the team, can be kind of _attractive_ …

For instance, today the detectives are all discussing a recent case and Sonny is taking charge of deductions. He stands there with one hand on his hip while the other is waving around the bulletin board as he connects evidence. There’s passion, not arrogance, in his voice because he is excited to have found a lead for the team to follow. And they do just that: Benson calls for Sonny and Rollins to investigate. In his eagerness, Sonny nabs his suit jacket from his chair and, in a whirl, those long legs are striding down the hall towards the elevator. You smile to yourself, celebrating his victory. You understand how much he wants to succeed and seemingly small moments like these must make him feel so proud. Heck, you feel proud _for_ him.

A few hours later Sonny and Rollins come marching back into the office with a suspect in cuffs. Sonny’s diligence and dedication paid off. Benson takes over and leads the suspect into one of the interrogation rooms, but not before giving an affirmative nod over her shoulder towards her two detectives.

Sonny then walks over and plops himself at his desk, releasing a breath that seems to have been pent up for ages. The tension drops out of his shoulders as he finally relaxes. He catches your eye and you feel your face flush with embarrassment over being caught staring. Sonny gives you a half smile and so you mouth the words _good work_ to him from across your work station. His smile widens at your complement before delving back into his case files.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback...please?


	4. His Heart's In the Right Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You witness how Sonny interacts with victims and children and you come to understand why he does what he does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's some sensitive issues mentioned in this chapter, but nothing close to what they go into on the show.

Time continues to pass at SVU and, not only do you notice Carisi's dedication, but he is also quite compassionate. He often puts up a tough-guy front but underneath all that you suspect is someone a lot softer. Your first clue should have been that protective hand on your back as he walked you home a couple weeks ago. But over and over again, he lets that side of himself shine through, especially when he deals with victims. He speaks to them in a considerate voice, always making sure that they feel safe and that they can trust him. He'll ask questions, probing for information but never in a way that comes across like he's pressuring them. You find it incredible. It's as if he is the perfect match for this job.

One afternoon in particular will always stay with you. 

You look up from your work, spotting a woman cautiously make her way into the squad room. She has a little boy in tow. At first glance, nothing strikes you as unordinary but then you notice her appearance. Her makeup is smudged around her eyes, her reddish-brown hair is messy and some of her clothing is ripped at the seams. She’s here for a _reason_ , but before you can speak up to notify anyone, Sonny is already by her side. You can’t make out what he’s saying to her, although you see her nodding and Sonny wrapping his suit jacket around her shoulders. He leads her to his desk where she takes a seat. He kneels in front of her as a sign that she can trust him, while her son fiddles with something shyly by her side.

You then see Benson come over and Sonny give her a knowing look. The woman is holding back tears as she apologetically states that she would have come in sooner, but she had to pick her son up from daycare. Both Benson and Carisi reassure her that it’s alright. Benson however, tells the woman that they need to speak privately and that it’s best that her son stays out in the squad room. The woman nods, reassures her son that she’ll be right back and then the sergeant leads her into the statement room. 

The boy, probably no older than four, starts to cry as his mom walks away. You’re fixated on the situation as Sonny gently says: “Hey champ. It’s ok. Your mom has to talk to my friend for a while but don’t worry, she’s a nice lady. And that means I get to talk to _you!_ ” Sonny playfully points a finger at the boy. “My name is Sonny. What’s yours?” The boy looks away shyly, clutching a toy car tightly in his tiny hand. Carisi takes a quick look at the child’s backpack beside him, finding his name printed on it. “Is your name Connor?” he asks and the boy then looks up, giving a small nod. “That’s a cool name!” Sonny remarks enthusiastically before drawing his attention to the toy. “So, Connor, do you like cool cars? ‘Cause I do. Especially the ones that go _real_ fast! Zooom!” Sonny runs his hand in front of Connor in a zig-zag pattern, animating a car speeding by. Finally, the little boy giggles and presents his toy car to Sonny. “Come on then, buddy. Let’s go sit down and play cars.”

Sonny stands up and takes the boy by the hand, leading him through the squad room towards the break area. Your heart goes out to the little boy as you watch the scene. From your desk you can just barely see Carisi sitting with Connor. _Sonny certainly has a kind heart. Not everyone could be so calming and gentle towards children._ It’s truly nice to witness and, every so often, you are able make out the _vroom_ sounds the two make as they drive toy cars over the tabletop. 

Eventually your day is over. The mother and boy have been taken care of and sent home, while their case remains open on the bulletin board. You make your way to the lockers and find Carisi leaning against the wall checking his phone. He immediately pockets it when he sees you arrive. “Hey,” he says, his voice tired.

“Hey,” you smile as you approach your locker for your belongings. Your pulse picks up a beat as you decide to acknowledge him for earlier. “You were really great today…with that boy who came in.” 

“Thanks,” he responds. Sonny’s ears turn a slightly darker shade of pink. “I have a niece. Well, she’s 15 _now_ but I used to have lots of practice being Uncle Sonny,” he fumbles.

“Well, it shows,” you say encouragingly and Sonny blushes again. Then you think about Connor and the state of his mother: “That little boy is going to have to be very strong for his momma for the next little while.”

“Yeah, he is,” agrees Sonny solemnly. “Y’know, it’s always so sad. Whether the kid is the victim or just collateral, they always end up sufferin’ the most. Those two,” he nods in the direction of the door, “their lives are changed forever. His mom is changed forever and all of that is inevitably gonna take a toll on him, no matter how hard she tries to hide it.”

You consider this for a moment. All the cases you’ve sifted through thus far and all the ones that have come through the squad room in your short time here; you only really see the immediate damage. The _actual_ crime. Except you’ve never really considered the “after”; how these victims’ lives and the lives of their families are permanently altered. Suddenly you want to take nothing for granted.

Sonny must recognise the affliction in your features because he softly adds, “that’s why I wanna be a lawyer, you know. I wanna do everything in my power to make sure that these vics get justice. Being a cop is rewarding when you catch the bad guy and all, but it’s so _frustratin’_ when all your hard work gets squashed in court.”

You look up at Sonny with a furrowed brow. _He’s right. None of it really ends when they slap cuffs on the perp. Not for the victims and not in terms of the justice system._ Your features soften. “You’ll make a great lawyer, Sonny,” you reassure him. “You know what it’s like to be on the investigation-side of things, but you also have the compassion. There’s not enough of that in the world today.” It’s the best compliment you can think of because it’s true, and you want nothing more than for Sonny to know that you believe in him.

“Thanks, that means a lot,” he says your name as the corner of his lips turn up to form a genuine smile.

You both turn back to your lockers but you feel like you truly understand Sonny now. You know what drives him to not only be a great detective, but also to overwork himself at night school. His heart really is in the right place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I JUST LOVE WHEN SONNY INTERACTS WITH CHILDREN. He's too pure for this world. Or maybe it's just Peter's own dad-instincts shining through...regardless it's cute to watch on the show. Hopefully I did it justice here.
> 
> Feedback? Any at all? Good.Bad.Ugly. I don't care :)


	5. HBD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Sonny find more common ground and you laugh and smile until it hurts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pure fluff (finally). I've been sitting on this chapter and I'm so happy I got to flesh it out!  
> (Also, the reader cusses once...whoops!)

Today is a difficult day for you. You barely managed to drag yourself into work. It’s a day that you had never been away from your family on _ever before_ and it is truly getting you down. Your performance at SVU is sluggish but you try your best to cover it up. Finally, lunch time allows you to get away and receive a call.

You’re sitting alone in the breakroom smiling as you talk quietly on the phone. All of a sudden Carisi steps in just when you’re ending your call. “Love you, too” you say, before quickly hanging up. You notice Sonny go rigid in the doorway.

He stiffly nods at you as he enters, turning a chair around and planting himself across from you, sandwich in hand. You neatly set your phone down on the table. “Getting all mushy on breaktime?” he says coldly, gesturing towards your phone as he takes a bite of his lunch.

You hug your arms to your middle in your seat. “My mom, actually,” you state truthfully but don’t offer any elaboration.

You watch as Sonny’s brow eases and he settles his focus on you.

Just then your phone lights up. A text from your friend is scrawled across the screen: _HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!_

Sonny’s eyes flash to the notification and then back to yours. His expression is unreadable. _Shit. I prefer people just not knowing._

His brow knits once more and frankly, he looks offended. “It’s your birthday?!” he blurts.

“Yeah,” you manage sheepishly.

Sonny’s features break into excitement. “Well, happy birthday! Why didn’t you tell us?!” He looks as if he’s about to get up and shout it to the entire squad.

You reach out towards him with pleading eyes. “Thanks, but please don’t make a big deal of it. SVU has bigger fish to fry today. It’s busy out there and I’m not one to make a scene.”

Sonny repositions himself back in his chair. “Okay. The judge has overruled,” he jokes while imitating a gavel with his palm on the table. His forearm flexes and your eyes follow a tendon upwards until it disappears underneath his rolled-up sleeve. “You doin’ anythin’ this evening?” he asks, with a tilt of his head.

“Yeah,” you reply automatically, but immediately notice a slight slump in the detective’s shoulders as you answer.

“That’s good,” he says, distantly. “Always good to have someone to spend your birthday with.” The left corner of his mouth bunches in an attempt to form a smile.

Then it dawns on you that he thinks you’ll be _with_ someone tonight. He jumped to that conclusion _himself_! Your heart skips a beat and your lips part, about to speak your inner thoughts: _would that have been an offer?_ But you catch yourself and quickly squash the absurd idea back down into the depths of your mind. Instead, you blink hard and tell him the truth: “Actually, I’m ordering in and Skyping my mom ‘n dad during dinner.” As you say it, you realise how embarrassing it is. A young woman in her late 20’s, staying home on her birthday so she can Skype her parents. You expect Sonny to be looking at you with pity or disgust, but instead he somehow appears relieved. It’s the same type of look he just had when you told him it was your mom on the phone.

A few seconds of silence goes by and Sonny must sense your self-consciousness, because he offers you a genuine grin while he reassuringly says that he understands. That family means everything to him too. Your mind drifts for a moment and you find yourself wondering if he has a girlfriend. If there’s no significant other, then somehow this crush you’re developing on the Italian detective would be safe to admit to yourself.

Nevertheless, the thought is forgotten as the two of you fall into a conversation about your families. You find more common ground regaling how you both love your parents. Sonny is from a big family, yet he still manages to get along with them all. His home-life is such a contrast to your own where it has always been just you and your folks. Regardless, you’re filled with warmth knowing the Carisis love and look out for one another.

You enjoy how Sonny’s cheeks get rosy as he praises his mother’s cooking and how she insists on feeding everyone. You watch his blue eyes sparkle as he humble-brags his niece who’s a “sophomore with stellar grades”. You also adore how his voice fills with excitement as he tells you that his sister has a new bundle of joy on the way. He confides in you that he’s nervous and hopes that the baby will “love uncle Sonny”. _What’s not to love_? you think. Sonny has a gentle soul despite coming off as a little rough around the edges sometimes.

You continue to swap stories with one another. Everything from the silly things your parents insist on doing, to embarrassing tales about yourselves as kids. You talk and laugh until your break is over and your faces hurt from smiling. You forget that you’re so far away from home on your birthday and are grateful for Sonny’s company.

For the remainder of the day you every now and again notice Sonny looking your way. You’ll have been sitting there with your tongue poking out of your mouth in deep focus only to feel his gaze upon you. You’ll look up, but find Sonny quickly moving his hand to his forehead as he drops his head down. It’s a bit strange, but at the same time it makes your tummy twirl. It’s nice to know that someone is stealing glances your way. _Is that it though? Was he looking at_ you _? Stop._ You tell yourself. _Stop overthinking things._ Still, your heart betrays your brain and it beats a little faster at the possibility.

At quitting time, you make your routine pit stop to the ladies’ room before leaving. Upon exiting, you remark that some have already gone home, including Sonny. Your heart sinks a bit, wanting to have at least said goodbye. As you make your way back to your desk, you notice there’s a little white box sitting there. It has the logo on it from the bakery nearby. You delicately unfold the top and are greeted by a whiff of chocolate from a cupcake holding a single candle. There’s a sticky note tucked on the side that reads:

_HBD_

_-S_

You quickly look up to scan around the squad room, but Sonny’s nowhere to be seen. Nonetheless, you find yourself smiling with the overwhelming feeling of warmth in your chest.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feeeeeedddbaaackkk! (Please <3)


	6. Interrogation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny gets over-heated in an interrogation and needs to be cooled down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Potentially sensitive topics and a wee bit more cussing.

The SVU interrogation room is made of sound-proof, reinforced walls. There’s only a tiny microphone and speaker which allows those on the opposite side of the two-way mirror to listen in. Despite all that, you still hear Sonny’s booming voice echoing out into the squad room…

Earlier in the day, the detectives had dragged in a male suspect for a high-profile case that had been plaguing the team for weeks. Sgt. Benson had sent in Carisi to try and get the perp to confess, only now you can sense that _something_ isn’t right.

In a flash Benson raps loudly on the glass and barks to Rollins to “get him out of there, now!” Not a moment later, Sonny tears out of the interrogation room in a flurry. His strides are long and his face is flushed. “Cool. Down. Detective!” snaps Benson, shooting Sonny a stern look before she too joins Amanda in the interrogation room.

Sonny’s arms are raised with his hands interlaced behind his head. He paces mindlessly before throwing down his arms and marching into the breakroom. No one follows him and you know it’s not your place to interfere, but you find yourself getting up from your work station regardless. Your feet carry you to the threshold of the breakroom.

You find Sonny leaning against the wall with his head is back. A lock of his hair has fallen messily across his forehead. His eyes are crammed shut and his chest is heaving. At first, you’re unsure if you should approach him, but you’ve never seen him _this_ agitated over anything. “Hey,” you speak softly.

Immediately Sonny straightens his posture upon recognition of your voice. “Hey,” he replies quietly, looking over to you. Distress is painted across his face. His once vibrant eyes look hallow and lost. “Sorry ‘bout making a scene,” he apologizes, bowing his head in defeat.

“You alright?” you ask. One of your hands grabs the elbow of the arm that hangs by your side.

“Yeah,” he hesitates, “I don’t normally lose my tempa like that. It’s just… _this case_ …” His voice trails off and he swallows a lump in his throat.

You take a few small steps towards the detective. Despite his fury, you know that he’d never hurt you. “You want to talk about it?” you offer with a concerned expression.

Sonny blows out a large puff of air and nods. “I know I shouldn’t be telling you too much about the case,” he begins, lowering his voice a level, “but this guy – this _monsta_ – he did horrendous things to little kids. _Children!_ We know it. _He_ knows it.” Sonny grits his teeth. “But the evidence to a jury could appear circumstantial. If we don’t get a confession, he may walk.” You spot the earlier anger bubble up inside him before Sonny’s mood shifts. His voice grows somber as he adds: “And I…I couldn’t sleep at night knowing we let him go. What if Bella’s baby will be in danger once it’s born because this asshole still roams free?” He runs his hands over his face and you hear the stubble scratch along his palms.

You’ve never been in a situation like this before. _How do you comfort someone when you’ve never experienced anything like this?_ It scares you, yet your heart compels you to do everything in your power to put Sonny at ease.

“It’s going to be okay,” you start. “This case hits close to home, so it’s only natural for you to get upset. You guys will close this one. This team is impeccable. You all have one another’s backs and you’ll nail this guy.” You reach out and lightly place a hand on Sonny’s arm. He visibly relaxes under your touch.

“I know, I know,” he breathes, slumping his shoulders. "Sarge and Rollins will make him talk…I just gotta be better at keeping my emotions in check.” He takes a moment before meeting your gaze. “Thanks for checking in on me.” He flashes you a half-hearted smile, though there’s still disappointment in features. Likely disappointment in himself more than anything.

“Anytime,” you reply, offering up a smile of your own that hopefully lets him know that you truly mean it.  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really on a roll here! There should be about 3 chapters left. And when I say chapters, I really just mean that they're one-shots put together to hopefully give this story a direction ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	7. Absence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny is missing from work one day and his absence hits you harder than you expected.

The summer is winding down and you’re near to having the backlog of SVU casefiles expertly organized and sorted. You’ve made a lot of progress, with only a few more boxes left to go. Time has flown by it seems and you realise that Sonny has actually been instrumental in making your days a little brighter. The two of you often find yourselves taking the same lunch break, perhaps coincidental or maybe secretly intentional. Regardless, it allows you both to simply enjoy each other’s company. That’s why you always get a little jolt of excitement when Sonny walks into the precinct in the mornings. You know you’ll at least have a reason to smile.

Today however, is different. Sonny hasn’t shown up for work. You take note of the other squad members as they arrive and begin their shift. You try to subtly keep one eye on the door, but person after person files in and there’s still no sign of Carisi. Your heart sinks a little further.

Eventually you tell yourself to accept that he won’t be at work today and you’re too ashamed to dare ask anyone why. _It’s not_ that _big of a deal. He owes you no explanation_. Still, disappointment stems from his absence. You enjoy seeing him everyday. The way he never fails to dress slick, from his perfectly gelled hair to the crisp three-piece suits he adorns. He is the definition of handsomely presentable. Not to mention that he always makes sure to acknowledge you. If he’s busy, it may only be a smile and a nod. But, it’s _enough_. Looking back, you find it remarkable how in just a couple months, your attitudes towards one another have turned completely around. You’ve really gotten to know Sonny and he you. That’s why his absence hits you so hard. You _miss_ him.

The morning continues to tick by slowly until you hear Fin pipe up as Sgt. Benson emerges from her office. “Hey Liv, where’s Carisi?” he questions.

Detective Rollins answers instead: “He took the day off. The Carisis are putting on a baby shower for Bella and Tommy.” Amanda waves her hand dismissively like this is a common reason for Sonny to miss work.

“That family and their big parties,” Fin utters to no one in particular, before taking a sip of his coffee.

Unbeknownst to the rest of the squad, you’re smiling. That sinking feeling you previously had is overcome by the comfort of knowing that Sonny is with his family. You feel somehow even _more_ connected to the detective because of it. You imagine the delight in his smile as he laughs with his kin. He’s probably talking to his sister’s belly right now, telling the baby how much ‘uncle Sonny’ already loves them. Your heart aches, but in the best way possible.

The next morning you once again find yourself keeping watch in the direction of the elevator. Finally Sonny shows up, a smile on his face and looking rather rejuvenated. You let out a breath you didn’t realize you’d been holding in. You raise your head in his direction, ready to greet him when he walks by, but instead Sgt. Benson is already calling for him. Rollins is to join him and head out on a call asap. You observe Sonny’s focus switch immediately. His posture straightens and his brow knits with concern almost as if he’s entered ‘detective-mode’. You sigh defeatedly. _There goes any chance of saying ‘hi’ today._ But as Sonny is flying past your station, he makes sure to turn to you with a smile and a wink before disappearing out the door.

You carry that image with you throughout the morning and into lunch. You hate to admit that such a simple, friendly gesture can make you feel so giddy. You decide a cup of coffee is just what you need to distract yourself and ready the machine.

Your stomach growls and you feel a little disheartened that it will end up being a day where you eat alone. So, you scroll through your phone while you munch on your food. After a while the coffee maker beeps, signalling you to down the final bites and fill your mug.

As you begin to attend to it, the breakroom door whooshes open and Sonny plops himself down in a chair. “Hey!” he tries to say casually, though it’s clear he’s out of breath.

“Hey, you’re back!” you reply before quickly turning towards the counter in an attempt to hide the smile that's spreading across your face.

“Busy mornin’!” he trills, unpacking his own lunch. He begins to wolf it down noisily.

“You want a cup?” you offer, pouring yourself a mug of coffee.

“Sure! Thanks, doll,” he responds through a mouthful of food.

You freeze. _Doll?_ You’ve heard of that term of endearment before… _but did_ he _mean anything by it?_ You decide to shove the thought away and resume filling a mug for Sonny. You turn and set it in front of him with a smile. As you do, there seems to be a hint of anxiousness in Sonny’s eyes, almost as if he’s waiting to see if you’ll react to his phrase.

Instead, you switch to lightening the mood. “It was pretty _quiet_ ‘round here yesterday without you,” you tease, sitting back down in your seat.

Sonny eases. “Yeah?” he lets out a chuckle and smirks. “Glad to know I was missed.”

“Didn’t say _that_ ,” you counter, blowing nonchalantly on your steaming beverage while gazing up at him through your long lashes.

His grin grows wider before he purses his lips to disguise it. Sonny then slides back in his chair to lean his elbows on the table. “Well, my ma sure did. It was good to go home for the day.” You smile sweetly in response, taking a sip of your drink. “I just can’t believe I’m gonna be an uncle again! Talk about make a person feel old,” Sonny’s brows raise as the realization hits him.

“I know what you mean,” you agree. “Seems like everyone I went to school with is already on baby number three!”

“Right?!” he exclaims with a gesture of his hand. “Ma keeps giving me hints about grandchildren, but you gotta walk before you run, y’know. Find someone, settle down, spend some time together, _then_ you can talk babies. Besides, how the hell could I take care of a kid with _my_ schedule right now?” Sonny rubs at his temple stressfully.

Your heart rises to your throat. _He’s got the same values as I do._

He looks up to you with one eye open, “What? You think I’m nuts too?” he jibes lightheartedly. You didn’t realise that you were staring.

“No, no!” you blurt, feeling a little embarrassed. “It’s just I…think the same way about all that stuff. It’s nice to hear it coming from another person.”

Sonny’s eyes narrow while he drinks you in. A small smile forms on his lips and he nods in agreement.

“ _I_ just can’t believe it’s already August,” you say timidly, tracing your fingers absentmindedly along the handle of your coffee mug. “I’ve only got a couple weeks left.”

Sonny’s figure slumps as he stretches back in his seat. “Only a couple weeks? Seems like you just got here,” he says sympathetically. “You’re doing amazing work though. Savin’ all our asses, really. We’d be lost without you.” To Sonny’s delight, his words make you snicker. “I’ve enjoyed chatting with you. Turns out, you’re pretty cool,” he compliments.

“So are you,” you return and find that Sonny’s baby blues are kinder and gentler than you’ve ever noticed before.

“Hey, we should try to keep in touch after you leave. You know, in case one of us here can’t understand the filing system or, uh, in case I need to know how to dissect an eyeball for whatever reason.”

You scrunch your nose in laughter. “Or in case I need a legal-dictionary. Will you be on call?”

“Ab-so-lutely!” he reciprocates with a toothy grin. Sonny then pulls out his phone, flicks through it and turns it over to you. _He wants my number!_ you think dumbfound. You quickly fumble with your own cell and do the same.

He stands up when you both are finished and smooths out his shirt. He tells you he’ll catch you later before heading back into the squad room.

Lunch is over, but you have a feeling of _beginning_ rather than an end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters left and I'm excited :o  
> Also, feedback? *insert puppy dog eyes here*


	8. Finality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s your last day at SVU. How do you say goodbye?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea for this chapter came to me when hearing “Let Her Go” covered by Jasmine Thompson, the song used in SVU 16x11.  
> I'm sorry in advance...

Your final day is coming to a close and, as you pack up your belongings into a cardboard box, the finality of it all overwhelms you. Time seems to stand still while the detectives around you are all busy going about their work. It’s just another day for them, but for you it’s the end. Even though the files and paperwork are neat and tidy, something that won’t go unappreciated, it still won't be long before _your_ absence goes unperceived. For you however, your three months in this place will be permanently etched in your memory.

When you first started this job, you wished the summer would fly by. You wanted to get the menial tasks out of the way and to get back to your students. Even though you look forward to teaching again, that desire to leave SVU has been replaced with dread. It's as if everything has gone by too fast and now it all feels so final. You will _miss_ it here. You’ve never seen a group of people to be more like a family; sergeant Benson being the glue that holds everyone together.

And then there’s Sonny. How you will miss Sonny. You hate thinking about it. His absence for one day was hard to handle, but now it could be forever. You've built a friendship with him. You've grown to be supportive of one another. Sure, it didn't start out great, but you both overcame that. You've learnt a lot about him as a person and you've also learnt a lot about yourself. You never before thought you were the type to judge someone, but you did _just that_ to Sonny. It turned out that you were _wrong_. He's changed how you look at people. You vow to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, no matter your first impression. You now also understand that you should never feel ashamed of prioritizing family, because other people do so too. Sonny’s family means the world to him just like yours do to you. It's been nice spending time with someone who has similar values as yourself. You realise that that in itself means a lot more to you than being around people with the same superficial likes and dislikes.

You've come to care a lot about Sonny, though you're terrified to reveal it to him. You've never been together outside of work and your fear is built around the fact that you may be reading too much into whatever the two of you have. You're probably nothing more than work friends even if you'd cross an ocean to be there for him if he ever needed you to be.

Just then Benson calls to you, breaking you from your trance. She comes over with a large smile and gives you a hug. “Thank you for all your hard work. We appreciate everything you've done.” She then raises her voice to the rest of the room, “Hey everyone, please thank our file organizer-extraordinaire for her amazing work this summer.” There's a round of whoops and cheers for you in response. “Good luck, sweetie,” says Benson as she gives you another quick hug. She truly is an amazing woman.

As the sergeant leaves your side to go back to work, you search for Sonny among the hecticness. You spot him engaged in intense discussion with another detective and you suppose there's really no time for goodbyes. He’s busy and that’s a reality you need to accept. _Maybe it will be easier this way,_ you think, so you start to make your way out of the squad room one final time.

Just as you're nearing the elevator, you feel a hand on your shoulder. It sends a tingle down your spine. “Were ya really gonna leave without sayin' goodbye?” That voice. That accent. It's Sonny. _Of course_ it's Sonny. As you turn around, you find wounded blue eyes under a knitted brow.

You're lost for words. You really don't have an excuse, but Sonny is the one person you _never_ want to say goodbye to.

“Never mind,” he says. “Look, it's been great having you around here, and not just ‘cause you organized all our mess. You've been pretty great company for me too.” He runs a hand through his hair almost as if he's nervous.

“I..I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, Sonny and I’m really going to miss being around here,” you confess.

Sonny perks up at your words and cracks a smirk. “Hey, maybe I can convince the rest of the squad to leave their paperwork unfiled so management has an excuse to hire ya back next summa!”

You let out a genuine laugh. Sonny breaks into a full grin too, but his smile still appears to be hiding what he truly feels. That earlier sadness returns to his eyes, and you feel tears starting to prickle in your own. You bow your head to hide blinking them away. Then you look back up to the detective. The heartache that’s drowning you seems to be mirrored in him as well.

A piece of your hair falls across your face and Sonny tenderly tucks it behind your ear. His fingers are soft on your cheek. “You’ll have to let me know when you pass the bar,” you state, breaking the silence. “I have no doubt you’ll do great, but know I’m rooting for you anyway.” It takes all your willpower to voice your support without falling apart in front of him.

Sonny smiles fondly, “Will do.”

“Goodbye,” you manage, eyes locked on his.

“Goodbye,” he responds, voice shaky. And then he swiftly scoops you into a hug. His arms fold around you like it's the most natural thing in the world – like you _belong_ there. Your arms encircle him as well and you take in his warmth.

You part moments later only for his name to be called somewhere back in the office. Sonny hesitates before taking a step back towards the squad room. You both wave as his long legs carry him back to work.

That night you lay in bed, staring at the ceiling in the dark. You feel empty. Your heart aches inside your chest. The tears flow freely and your head throbs from it all. You twist in your sheets and curl up onto your side. You reach for a pillow, hugging it to your middle in an attempt at some form of comfort, but it does little to dull the pain. You try to tell yourself that you were nothing more than friends, however, the more you say it, the more persistent the alternative in your mind becomes: _You love him. You'll always love him, even if he doesn’t feel the same way._  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author may or may not have cried while writing this one. Official confirmation required.


	9. Changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A life without Sonny feels incomplete. But he can't possibly feel the same way about you...can he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the end, folks. I know it took a while. The idea has been sitting in a doc since the beginning but life and a bit of block made it hard to sit down and flesh it out. I hope this conclusion sends it out on a positive note :)

Time passes you by slowly. The leaves change colour, the days get shorter and the air gradually turns colder. The tears you cry eventually subside, but sadness still lies just beneath the surface. Your daily back-and-forth to college seems so monotonous. There’s no doubt that you love your job and you are able to slip into your teacher-persona for classes twice a week, yet outside of those hours, you can’t quite seem to shake the feeling that you’re _incomplete_.

Occasionally, while walking campus or the New York City streets, you may cross paths with some tall man clad in a well tailored suit. Your stomach flips and, for the briefest moment, hope swells inside of you. But each time, you realise that it’s just another _stranger_.

Oftentimes you find yourself staring at his number on your phone. Though you promised each other that you’d keep in touch, you have never been brave enough to press “send”. Every overthought draft of _Hey, how are you?_ or _Hi, how have you been?_ has been deleted; your mind fabricating some excuse as to why your communication would be unwarranted.

Your self doubt is only compounded by the silence on his end as well. Sonny Carisi is a busy man. His life is consumed by his work; a detective by day and law student by night. Even so, you’ve imagined all the different ways in which you could be there for him: from being an ear when things get rough, to leaping into his arms for a warm embrace whenever he finds success. Fantasies aside, you have convinced yourself that _he_ would have no place in his life for you.

Therefore, time after time, you click off the screen and blink away the tears that threaten to fall over what will never be.

Life continues to drag by and your heart remains heavy. You go to bed at night feeling low, only to wake up the next morning and start all over again. No amount of journal entries can siphon the heartache out of you. It’s _hard_ to continue living this way. So, one evening you do the only thing you can do. With shaky fingers, you grab your phone and dial. You inhale sharply. It rings once, twice and then the line picks up. “Mom?” you whimper.

You pour your heart out over the phone, confessing to her everything about the summer you spent with the Italian detective. You reveal how you’ve fallen for his personality, his compassion, his drive and even the way he saunters around a room. The emotion spills out of you as you confide in your mother. She’s always been your voice of reason and she still is now. The advice she gives you is what you already know deep down inside, but is nevertheless exactly what you need to hear: _Tell him how you feel. You have nothing to lose._

You hunch over in bed after hanging up, and stare at Sonny’s number on your screen. You resolve to take a leap of faith. You need to tell him what’s in your heart. You settle it in your mind once and for all before you have the chance to talk yourself out of it. Yet, you’re nervous as hell. _How do I do this?_ you wonder. You can’t hide your fear or emotions behind a text or a call. You need to _see_ him. That way, there will be no ambiguity. You will be able to _know_ whether he feels the same or not. You’ll be able to read it in his gorgeous blue eyes or by the subtle changes in his expression. If he doesn’t feel anything for you, you can at least move on. Regardless of the outcome, the uncertainty needs to end; it needs to stop _tearing_ you up inside.

The next morning you dress carefully, fretting and spending too much time deciding what to wear. You have a class in the afternoon so you need to come across as a professional, but at the same time, you don’t want to approach Sonny looking like you’re about to make a business deal. You want to look _good_ for him – pretty, even. It’s a foolish notion. You’re not a superficial person and you believe that Sonny isn’t either. Besides, he’s already seen you with your hair sticking out in all directions. Still, you choose yourself a nice blouse that matches your eyes and dress pants that hug your curves in just the right way.

The journey back to the 16th precinct is automatic. Your feet remember where to go even though your mind is somewhere else. You step into the elevator and select the button for SVU. Your pulse rises with each floor the elevator climbs. The air feels thick, like you can’t quite breathe. Finally, the lift dings and the doors slide open. It’s hard to take that first step forward. _This is it_ , you think. You’re going to profess your love in front of the entire unit. _Should I be doing this? Is this ridiculous?_ Your heart pounds in your ears as you slowly round the corner into the squad room. _It’s now or never._

You’re met with the familiar sounds of ringing phones and idle chatter. Nervously, you scan for Sonny. Your eyes dart frantically around the room. Instead, all they land on is Sgt. Benson; Sonny nowhere in sight. You can feel your face begin to flush as you approach her. Benson says your name affectionately, surprise painted across her features.

“Hi, Sergeant,” you say uneasily, “Have you, uh…Is Son– _Detective_ Carisi here?” You stammer and clasp your hands together in front of you to stop them from shaking.

“Oh,” she responds, “he said he needed the afternoon off today. He already left.” Your heart falls. Benson then takes another long look over you, “Everything alright?”

“Yeah,” you choke out. “I, uh – it’s nothing. I gotta go,” you manage, turning to leave. “Nice seeing you again, Sergeant,” you add quickly, then scurry for the safety of the elevator.

To say you are disappointed is an incredible understatement. You desperately push the “close door” button after the elevator lets you in. You feel ashamed. Foolish. You talked yourself into this for nothing. _Was it infatuation? The thrill of someone paying attention to you for once? Did you allow yourself to fall in love with someone who didn’t love you back?_ Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. If it was, he would have been there. Maybe this was fate’s cruel way of telling you to move on.

As you stand outside the police department, a shaky breath escapes your lungs. The cold assaults your hands and you shove them deep inside the pockets of your woolen peacoat. You try to keep the tears at bay as you start down the tall steps. You _have to_ keep going. Afterall, there’s a class to teach and no time for feeling sorry for yourself.

The college lecture hall holds about 100 students, your class filling just over half. There’s a gentle slope to the room that leads from the door to the podium with tabled seats spreading out perpendicular from the aisles. You have the lights dimmed as you give a lecture on the circulatory system within the heart. Every now and again, you pause to write keywords on the blackboard, allowing students to focus on their importance. It is one of those very moments when your back is turned, that you hear the click of the door at the back of the room. Immediately, it ticks you off. _There’s only a half-hour left to the session and some kid decides to come in late?_ Talk about irresponsible!

You’re about to deliver a covert passive aggressive remark, but as you turn around, you’re instead rendered speechless. Your tongue sticks in your mouth and your heart seems to stop beating. There is no mistaking who has joined your lecture. He quietly takes a seat in the very last row, distinctly at least a head taller than the other students around him. Those expressive eyebrows you had missed so much, raise when his eye catches yours. You look down briefly, smiling to yourself before continuing the lecture.

He observes you intently as you walk your students through the lecture material. All summer you had watched him excel in his domain. Now, he could finally see you shine in yours.

The next half hour flies by and you conclude, dismissing the class. Students pack up and shuffle out. One pupil however, remains seated until the very last student leaves. He then gets up and makes his way to the front of the room. You can now fully discern his attire as he comes closer into view: A camel coat with a crisp white shirt underneath. No vest. No tie. Just a few buttons left undone near the collar. It’s a different look than you were used to but one that’s positively _handsome_.

“Yourra really great teacher,” he calls to you, long strides drawing him nearer. 

“Thanks,” you say, beaming. “But…what are you doing here?”

“Well,” he begins, now standing in front of you. A sideways smile is etched across his lips. “I took the afternoon off wantin’ to sit in on a lecture. I had heard about this really great course ‘n wanted to see if it would be the one for me.”

Your knees become weak. “And?” you question, raising an eyebrow.

“I really enjoyed it and never wanna miss out on it again,” he smiles, eyes crinkling with affection. Your heart flutters in your chest, beating a mile a minute. “Oh, and I don’t like admitting that I was textin’ in class, but a message from Sarge came through sayin’ you were down at the precinct lookin’ for me?”

You swallow hard. “Yeah,” you say vulnerably, “I was looking for you, too.” You pause, gathering your courage. “I really _miss_ you, Sonny.”

His smile grows. “I really miss you too,” he reveals without hesitation.

Despite his statement, you feel compelled to explain yourself. “I know we didn’t start out on the best terms at the beginning of the summer, but I…really grew to _like_ you.” The feelings you harbour finally come tumbling out. “I enjoy being in your company so, _so_ much and I don’t…I don’t want to lose out on that.”

You stare up into Sonny’s swirling blue eyes. They’re so kind and gentle. Those eyebrows you once found to be so disgruntled, are softened just for you. The voice you had thought boisterous, is low and calm. Even the swagger you initially considered pompous is simply confident and charming. But one of the best surprises has come from just getting to know him. Sonny is one of the most sincere and considerate people you have ever met. The way he looks at you with genuine affection and respect causes your stomach to feel like it’s filled with a thousand butterflies.

How do you tell him all this, though? How do you say _I love you_? But as you stand there in front of him and his smiling eyes, you understand that he already knows.

“I don’t wanna lose you either,” he speaks softly. There are tears forming in your eyes because you _finally_ know that he feels the same way. Sonny’s gaze begins to flicker down towards your lips. “May I?” he whispers, but you’re already responding with a gentle nod.

Sonny carefully cups your face in his hands and brings his head down to place a tender kiss upon your lips. You close your eyes and lift your hands, finding purchase on his chest.

You are completely transfixed by his soft lips on yours. A warm tingle spreads from your toes to your heart, seemingly lifting you up with it. You lean further into Sonny’s kiss before you eventually part. His fingers run tenderly along your arms, taking your hands in his.

“You don’t know how long I’ve been wantin’ to do that, doll,” he smiles, accent deepening.

“Same here,” you grin. Your eyes linger on one another for a moment longer, before you turn to gather your belongings.

Sonny collects your coat and helps you into it. “Wanna grab some dinner?” he suggests.

“I’d love that,” you answer, smiling again.

Then Sonny offers you an outstretched hand. You happily accept, his fingers interlacing with yours as you make your way out of the lecture hall.

No, you didn’t expect that this is where you’d end up in your life – that a little summer job could open your eyes to so much and to so many wonderful people. You never knew that you would end up going through so many _changes_. Most importantly however, you never could have foreseen that your little summer job would lead you to fall in love with someone who had fallen in love with you too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first multi-chapter fic that I’ve sought through to completion. And while I have put off other, probably more important tasks to do so, it still feels like a significant accomplishment. It’s not an elaborate or polished fic by any means, but that’s the beauty of fanfiction: readers are generally already aware of the world and characters, allowing authors to focus more on feelings rather than needing to fully describe every little detail.
> 
> I sincerely hope you enjoyed reading this and I’m extremely thankful if you made it to the end. You don’t know how much I appreciate seeing the hits, kudos and comments people leave me here. It makes me smile knowing you took time out of your day to read my stuff. Thank you! <3


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